I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
