I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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