My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
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You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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