Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
