Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
