life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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