I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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