I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
