Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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