My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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