I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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