I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
