the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
