You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
