I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
