Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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