dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
