I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
