Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
this just has baby written all over it
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
