just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
