i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
