I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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