Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize