When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
