I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
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I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!