Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
