I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
