3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
