I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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