I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
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