worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
