Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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