Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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