i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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