I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
