Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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