i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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