I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You are the jesus of drinking
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
