you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
