I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So vagazzling was a success
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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