I should be sponsored by Trojan
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
His nipple licking is glorious
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
