apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
