R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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