The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
you didnt know i had herpes?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
