I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
