Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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