I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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