i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
