He disabled his match.com account in front of me
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Randomize
