perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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