the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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