farters have to be the big spoon...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
