he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
