I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
