I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
