shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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